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Over the last decade or so, I’ve started wondering if Hollywood is completely out of ideas. Sure, every once in a while something fresh and new comes out, a la Napoleon Dynamite or Juno or any movie made by Pixar. But as a result when it becomes a success, BAM!, Hollywood ruins it by making sequel/s, a prequel, or simply formulate it and attempt to duplicate it to death. (See Old School – comedic movie with grown men attempting to relive their college years, which lead to The Hangover, Hot Tub Time MachineThe Hanover Part II, etc. … you get my point.)

And don’t get me started on the fact that Hollywood has recently insisted on regurgitating movies “NOW IN 3D.” Really Hollywood? Selling an old movie as a “new” movie just because now things seem to come out of the movie screen does not make it new or interesting.

Of course, Hollywood has always been known to remake movies. But previously they waited a decent period of time before trying to repackage an old movie as “new” and exciting. For instance,  3:10 to Yuma, originally made in 1957, was remade in 2007 – a FIFTY year difference, which is an acceptable gap for a remake.

But I just saw an ad for a new remake and all I can is, Hollywood, YOU HAVE GONE TOO FAR this time!

First, they remade Footloose, or as some people said, copied the original exactly but added cell phones and texting. The original was released in 1987, the remake in 2011 – that’s only a difference of 24 years people. Not only was the time gap ridiculously short, remaking Footloose was wrong on so many levels, as Footloose should have NEVER been remade. You cannot remake perfection and you definitely CANNOT replace Kevin Bacon. In fact, you cannot replace ANY of the original cast (John Lithgow, Lori Singer, Chris Penn, Dianne Wiest) because you cannot replace that kind of chemistry.

But now, Hollywood has committed the faux pas of faux pas. A horror of indescribable proportions. Hollywood is remaking {gasps} 21 Jump Street.

Okay, you say, what’s the big deal? 21 Jump Street was a TV show, not a movie. So it’s not really the same thing.

I beg to differ.

First of all, 21 Jump Street is a classic 1980s TV show. NOTHING from the 1980s should be remade. Would you remake A Christmas Story, The GooniesGrowing PainsFerris Bueller, or {another gasp} E.T.? I mean didn’t they learn anything from remaking Miami Vice? Don Johnson’s slip-on sockless loafers cry any time anyone even mentions the 2006 remake.

Second, 21 Jump Street launched Johnny Depp’s career. Depp became every middle school and high school girls’ teen fantasy (we didn’t have “tweens” back then). Posters decorated lockers, “Mrs. Johnny Depp” and “I ❤ J.D.” flourished on notebooks, and we anxiously waited to see if Johnny would be in the next issue of Teen Beat and Tiger BeatPirates of the Caribbean would still be just a ride at DisneyWorld if Depp had never been on 21 Jump Street.

Lastly, 21 Jump Street covered the tough topics of the day, including alcoholism, hate crimes, drug abuse, homophobia, AIDS, child abuse, and sexual promiscuity. While each problem was solved by the end of that episode, the show always left the viewer with a moral about the impact of that particular activity. And often, episodes were followed by a PSA featuring cast members.

What will the remake be like? The remake, starring Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum, has been described by Hill as being a “R-rated, insane, Bad Boys-meets-John Hughes-type movie.” Really Jonah Hill, really? Don’t get me wrong, I liked Bad Boys, and I love all things John Hughes (and if you’re asking right now who John Hughes is, go away. Go away immediately.) But even though Johnny Depp has a cameo in the new movie, the remake is simply a travesty of the original show.

And someone, for the love of all things 80s, tell me why Jonah Hill is even perceived to be funny. Just because you’re a chunky boy who’s kinda awkward, does not make you funny or even remotely interesting. For an example of chunky awesomeness, click here.